The two recent suicides, although I didn’t follow either of their works have triggered some intrusive thoughts in the worst way. It’s 1. Upsetting and 2. Really annoying to myself because it’s like
Me: okay I need to do my workout and get some protein!
Thoughts: why diet and exercise when you’ll be dead by the end of the year anyway?
I hate this so much I hate myself so much and you know sometimes I do get the feeling of “maybe being dead wouldn’t be do bad” because st least I wouldn’t have to deal with my broken brain anymore.
I’m just having a really bad time rn. And it’s hard to say that to your friends bc you know they have things going on in their own lives and I’m like… I feel guilty for even thinking it and even more guilt for telling friends. Because I was raised to feel guilt about my feelings. Idk. Fuck. I’m rambling. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone but it’s SO MUCH when meds aren’t working. Jfc. It’s Saturday night. I’ll call and schedule and appt with my therapist Monday morn. Promise.
Amber 