it feels very odd to be talking about relationship/crush type stuff to the close friend I had a crush on for six gotdamn years but also weirdly freeing idk
also ever since I came out to him a couple years ago he’s always like “so how are the guys and gals treatin ya š” like aww he’s still such a sweet dude I’m so glad he found his perfect soul mate and married her, he deserves the best
Sooooo I donāt plan on leaving tumblr, like at all, but I’m backing up my stuff to wordpress anyway so who knows. Also making a dreamwidth and pillowfort, same url name. Thereās so much happening lmao. ANYWAY if youāre planning on leaving but wanna stay in touch, feel free to add me on literally any other social media
twitter: 221b99
ao3: TwisterMelody
snapchat: Ambear9210
insta: ambee.bear
discord: findawaytoshine#2738
also if weāre mutuals feel free to add me on facebook, just reply to this or message me and Iāll link you
everyone I’ve talked to/asked advice about this Certain Predicament I’m facing: you need to talk to them!!
me: but that would involve talking to them and bringing It up and that could go HORRIBLY WRONG
Iāve been fine and happy and like. dancing around and singing real loud kind of mood all week because Iāve been home alone without the stress of family, and now that theyāre coming home tomorrow i think it says a lot about them that my brain is like GO INTO PANIC MODE NOW like. chest pain. anxiety. panic. hyperventilating. intrusive thoughts of likeĀ ājust go kill yourself right now and make things easier on everyoneā and i hate this i hate it so much i hate my brain i donāt want this i donāt want to be here i would rather be anywhere else in the world rn
whereeeeeeee is alcohol when i need it god
you know that vine that’s like “my resting heart rate registers as a panic attack”? That is the BIG MOOD rn, I went to go for a walk earlier and before I even stepped outside my heart rate was 130! And just walking at an average pace for 15 mins had it shoot up past 160 with chest pain and feeling faint and that is Not Normal. I have no reason to be anxious, it’s just a ~wonderful~ thing that comes with panic disorder. Surprise anxiety!
anyway this has been happening for a few weeks so I finally gave in and took one of my valiums and I feel soooooo relaxed right now. My god. Like I could do anything without fear rn. Is this what normal feels like?? I want normal
my panic disorder has been kicking my ass so Iāve been watching literally nothing but whose line since friday bc itās lighthearted and the games are just short enough to keep my attention whereas I canāt do a movie right now
side note to add on to that, I was wondering why I was feeling weird and juuuust realized I havenāt eaten in about 36 hours so thereās that
depression and anxiety disorders suuuuuuuuck
I want it to be next weekend already so I can be down in atl with some of the best people I know bc lemme tell you, being here and being yelled at for things that have nothing to do with me is realllllyyyyy wearing me down and winding up my depression in a very not good way
I wish literally any of my friends lived closer but goddamn even wichita is like 3 hours away without stopping. man. as much as i adore kc, i am so lonely here
I know I’m 26 but istg the next person who asks me, “When are you gonna start driving? Why aren’t you driving?” I’m gonna straight up tell them I’ll start driving when the urge to purposefully drive off a bridge and end it all goes away
until then uber is great so everyone can kindly fuck off and let me get my mental health in orderāļø
Amber 