Don’t reblog – Page 2

my dad’s alcoholism is going to drive me to an early grave i swear to fucking god

So the whole planets being in retrograde, is that kicking into high gear this week or what? I mean, I’m okay but. Idk. It seems like all my friends are going through some r e a l l y rough things this week whether it be mental health, relationships, or even severe stress. I don’t know. I want to do more but there’s not a whole lot I can do with all of them spread around the country so I’m feeling kind of useless here. I hope I’m helping even if it’s in a small way. I worry about each of them. I love them and I want them all to be okay. That’s all I ask, universe, let them get through this week and beyond.

I dunno why I’m even writing this, using tumblr as a diary I guess but yeah.

it’s 1:45 in the morning and my dad isn’t home which means he’s out drinking which means there will be screaming echoing throughout the house when he gets home so that’s fun 🙃

and I was having such a nice night too

you know what. S4 might have been trash but Sherlock the series as a whole kept me alive for y e a r s and sparked some creativity in me and brought some gd amazing people to my life so I can’t ever hate it

things to look forward to, a self reminder for these trying times:

– 2 days: I get to see my best friend for a few mins and meet her PUPPY
– 23 days: I get to see KEITH URBAN and be next to the goddamn stage in the pit! like he’s gonna be mere feet away from me? AMAZING
– 35 days: I get to go back to atlanta and be with some of my best friends and probably play drunk mario kart and just be nerds with them for FIVE DAYS

between those days I’m sure I’ll be taking nieces to wof/oof again too hmm

I’ve been fine and happy and like. dancing around and singing real loud kind of mood all week because I’ve been home alone without the stress of family, and now that they’re coming home tomorrow i think it says a lot about them that my brain is like GO INTO PANIC MODE NOW like. chest pain. anxiety. panic. hyperventilating. intrusive thoughts of like “just go kill yourself right now and make things easier on everyone” and i hate this i hate it so much i hate my brain i don’t want this i don’t want to be here i would rather be anywhere else in the world rn

whereeeeeeee is alcohol when i need it god

you know that vine that’s like “my resting heart rate registers as a panic attack”? That is the BIG MOOD rn, I went to go for a walk earlier and before I even stepped outside my heart rate was 130! And just walking at an average pace for 15 mins had it shoot up past 160 with chest pain and feeling faint and that is Not Normal. I have no reason to be anxious, it’s just a ~wonderful~ thing that comes with panic disorder. Surprise anxiety!

anyway this has been happening for a few weeks so I finally gave in and took one of my valiums and I feel soooooo relaxed right now. My god. Like I could do anything without fear rn. Is this what normal feels like?? I want normal

I got to the gate for my plane back to KC on Tuesday and literally started searching for flights to Atlanta for D*Con weekend when a lot of friends from across the country will be there and… Two days later, my flight is booked

I felt really safe and at peace with myself (even with the anxiety flare ups ugh) and it’s just. Idk. To go from a staying a week and half place where you know people love you and accept you for who you are and be full of love and laughter, only to go back home where there’s constant threats and screaming and one of your parents has told you they couldn’t care less about you or anything that happens to you, where your siblings have called you a waste of space… It’s hard.

I love my chosen family. So much. And I can’t wait to see (at least some of) them again. They make me remember what life is supposed to be like.

my panic disorder has been kicking my ass so I’ve been watching literally nothing but whose line since friday bc it’s lighthearted and the games are just short enough to keep my attention whereas I can’t do a movie right now

side note to add on to that, I was wondering why I was feeling weird and juuuust realized I haven’t eaten in about 36 hours so there’s that

depression and anxiety disorders suuuuuuuuck

I want it to be next weekend already so I can be down in atl with some of the best people I know bc lemme tell you, being here and being yelled at for things that have nothing to do with me is realllllyyyyy wearing me down and winding up my depression in a very not good way

I wish literally any of my friends lived closer but goddamn even wichita is like 3 hours away without stopping. man. as much as i adore kc, i am so lonely here