it feels very odd to be talking about relationship/crush type stuff to the close friend I had a crush on for six gotdamn years but also weirdly freeing idk
also ever since I came out to him a couple years ago he’s always like “so how are the guys and gals treatin ya š” like aww he’s still such a sweet dude I’m so glad he found his perfect soul mate and married her, he deserves the best
Sooooo I donāt plan on leaving tumblr, like at all, but Iām backing up my stuff to wordpress anyway so who knows. Also making a dreamwidth and pillowfort, same url name. Thereās so much happening lmao. ANYWAY if youāre planning on leaving but wanna stay in touch, feel free to add me on literally any other social media
twitter: 221b99
ao3: TwisterMelody
snapchat: Ambear9210
insta: ambee.bear
discord: findawaytoshine#2738also if weāre mutuals feel free to add me on facebook, just reply to this or message me and Iāll link you
Sooooo I donāt plan on leaving tumblr, like at all, but I’m backing up my stuff to wordpress anyway so who knows. Also making a dreamwidth and pillowfort, same url name. Thereās so much happening lmao. ANYWAY if youāre planning on leaving but wanna stay in touch, feel free to add me on literally any other social media
twitter: 221b99
ao3: TwisterMelody
snapchat: Ambear9210
insta: ambee.bear
discord: findawaytoshine#2738
also if weāre mutuals feel free to add me on facebook, just reply to this or message me and Iāll link you
I wish I could explain anxiety/panic disorder bc it’s not like “eh I’m nervous” it’s like… oh my heart is beating at 150+ bpm for no reason, my chest hurts, my face is numb, there’s a lump in my throat, I can’t speak, my body is shaking, my mind is racing, I’m hyperventilating, I’m crying, I feel terrified, and why? who fuckin knows dude, this will just go on for a few minutes to quite a few hours and no natural remedy works to stop it anymore
anyway panic attack lasted about 7 hours today before I gave in and took meds which isn’t the longest one I’ve ever had but it’s still the fuckin worst and asking for help just makes me feel guilty? Idk. Anyway valium is šš» plus Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and love actually on tv I’m feeling better now but mentally and emotionally exhausted
I hope I don’t have panic disorder as a ghost I’d be so pissed
The past few days have been likeĀ
-Friday: drink for funsies and watch disney movies
-Saturday: spend time with my niece, get confronted by family members on whether Iām gay or not becauseĀ ānasty rumorsā have been going around about it for two years making people cry over the mere thought of me being gay. So I lie. Drink.
–Sunday: saw a 221b friend. Stew over what was said the night before. Angry. thoughts of hurting myself for the first time in like 10 years. drink again instead.
-Monday: mind goes into overdrive about the whole gay thing and the gaslighting from my family and the emotional abuse. reflection song from mulan hits me hard. dissociating. go into a downward spiral. canāt sleep that night. want to stop existing.
-Tueday: #teamnosleep but I manage to get back to reorganizing stuff in the basement so tired. end up mostly dissociating through tv watchalongs with my friends.
-Wednesday: still didnāt sleep due to anxiety. realize I have to hide all the remotely lgbt positive things I own due to homophobic family. gets a headache from lack of sleep and lack of eating. takes excedrin. IMMEDIATE panic attack due to high heart rate from the caffeine.
-Thursday: finally manage to sleep a bit. wake up at 2;30am to dad coming home drunk. fall asleep til 7am. start the reorginization process again. three hour panic attack over financial situation. throw back four emergency ativan to stop the dp/dr and face numbness and chest pain the attack causes. sleep til 5:30pm
anyway now itās 7pm on a thursday and Iām feeling so useless. Iām okay but completely run down and am on negative spoons
no one has to reply to this, I know itās a rough patch. Iām just venting and also want to show this to my therapist. I canāt do this anxiety and panic disorder anymore guys I really cannot, if itās not under control soon Iām gonna throw myself off the highest mountain in kansas
Itās really hard to say goodbye to someone you grew up with. But tonight went well. The celebration was good, he would have loved it. But it was hard to see his parents (who are like my second set of parents) crying, and hard to see his sister and wife and kids like that too. There was a slideshow of photos, including ones Iāve taken over the last few years. The twins said,Ā āYouāre gonna take our pictures when the leaves change, and dadaās not gonna be there.ā which just broke my heart. They named a set of stars after him. A shirt we gave him for Christmas last year was cremated with him. I donāt think it has fully sunk in yet for any of us.
I donāt know what to say, Iām just kind of rambling. But hey, Eric. Iāll think of you whenever I go into a haunted house or hear good rock music. Iāll miss you.
Fuck cancer.
hey friends, since most of you I talk to regularly follow me here – I may be quiet the next few days, kind of like I’ve been all week. It’s just that Eric’s death is A Lot and his memorial is Friday so I’m just. Shaken, I guess? I’m hoping after it’s over I’ll get some closure and be back to normal but. Basically, if I don’t reply to dm’s/group chat messages the next couple of days just know that I see you and I love you but I don’t really have the spoons to interact much with people right now, but I’m still here and okay, just processing
but hey DW comes back Sunday and you bet I’m gonna be back for that
I don’t want to be sad anymore I hate that I’m bringing everyone down I was doing so well
it’s weird when someone passes you start to think of memories you have with them. and right now with Eric the thing playing most in my mind is when I was 7 and he was 13 and he convinced me my older brother would be fiiiiine with Eric playing his playstation in his room while he wasn’t there. so I was like, oh, okay! let me show you where it is in his room! and here’s all of his games! He ended up scratching a disc and it turns out my brother was totally not okay with that and I was banned from playing his playstation after that. thanks a lot Eric š
gonna miss you
@ the universe: please be kind to the people I love this week. I can easily count about 15 of them that have been having a really rough time this week in some way or another and I want them all to be able to breathe and to be okay
Amber 