The past few days have been like 

-Friday: drink for funsies and watch disney movies
-Saturday: spend time with my niece, get confronted by family members on whether I’m gay or not because “nasty rumors” have been going around about it for two years making people cry over the mere thought of me being gay. So I lie. Drink.
–Sunday: saw a 221b friend. Stew over what was said the night before. Angry. thoughts of hurting myself for the first time in like 10 years. drink again instead.
-Monday: mind goes into overdrive about the whole gay thing and the gaslighting from my family and the emotional abuse. reflection song from mulan hits me hard. dissociating. go into a downward spiral. can’t sleep that night. want to stop existing.
-Tueday: #teamnosleep but I manage to get back to reorganizing stuff in the basement so tired. end up mostly dissociating through tv watchalongs with my friends.
-Wednesday: still didn’t sleep due to anxiety. realize I have to hide all the remotely lgbt positive things I own due to homophobic family. gets a headache from lack of sleep and lack of eating. takes excedrin. IMMEDIATE panic attack due to high heart rate from the caffeine.
-Thursday: finally manage to sleep a bit. wake up at 2;30am to dad coming home drunk. fall asleep til 7am. start the reorginization process again. three hour panic attack over financial situation. throw back four emergency ativan to stop the dp/dr and face numbness and chest pain the attack causes. sleep til 5:30pm

anyway now it’s 7pm on a thursday and I’m feeling so useless. I’m okay but completely run down and am on negative spoons
no one has to reply to this, I know it’s a rough patch. I’m just venting and also want to show this to my therapist. I can’t do this anxiety and panic disorder anymore guys I really cannot, if it’s not under control soon I’m gonna throw myself off the highest mountain in kansas