The two recent suicides, although I didn’t follow either of their works have triggered some intrusive thoughts in the worst way. It’s 1. Upsetting and 2. Really annoying to myself because it’s like

Me: okay I need to do my workout and get some protein!

Thoughts: why diet and exercise when you’ll be dead by the end of the year anyway?

I hate this so much I hate myself so much and you know sometimes I do get the feeling of “maybe being dead wouldn’t be do bad” because st least I wouldn’t have to deal with my broken brain anymore.

I’m just having a really bad time rn. And it’s hard to say that to your friends bc you know they have things going on in their own lives and I’m like… I feel guilty for even thinking it and even more guilt for telling friends. Because I was raised to feel guilt about my feelings. Idk. Fuck. I’m rambling. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone but it’s SO MUCH when meds aren’t working. Jfc. It’s Saturday night. I’ll call and schedule and appt with my therapist Monday morn. Promise.